The 24 Hour Rule: How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship + Action Steps
Have you ever been in a situation where words made your stomach churn? You know, your skin gets hot and your breathing gets shallow because the carefully (sometimes quickly) crafted letters of the alphabet turned into knives. One minute you were innocently writing down the grocery list with your partner, or planning a movie to watch with your friend, and the conversation takes a nosedive. Now you’re both wondering where to go from here.
A lot of things can happen after hurtful things are said. Sometimes an apology is offered immediately. Other times, anger can elevate into more harmful conversation. Silence may follow, both people ruminating inside their heads about what was spoken. Regardless of what occurs immediately after, the pain and the confusion can still leave marks, and many of us aren't taught what the best approach is after a fight or disagreement.
As my fiancè and I work towards marriage, and during our dating season, we’ve had many disagreements, because we’re two human beings. We were always fortunate to speak a similar language and be strong listeners, keeping us away from the big fights, but the following silence, afraid of confrontation, usually became our enemy. Resentment and anxieties would build until one of us would burst.
A friend told me about this concept of the 24 Hour Rule, so while I can’t take full credit, I did expand on this that I personally found was helpful so you can work through almost any conflict(s) in your relationships!
What is The 24 Hour Rule?
The 24 Hour Rule is the window of time, a full day, to process when something happens, usually between you and another person. However, in that window you must act on it. Why this short amount of time?
The reality is anything un-resolved will fester, it will ruminate. It doesn’t matter who you are, your personality type, your age - we can’t help but try to solve a problem that is left wide open. Not everything can be solved in 24 hours but it’s important to get that process going.
Ask yourself, how does that mental noise impact other life responsibilities and tasks? The rumination, the worry, the weight of decision fatigue of how to handle certain conversations or explain your pain. The faster we can close a door, prevent something from ruminating (which catalyzes irrationality thinking), the faster we can heal and not interrupt the other elements of our lives for all parties involved.
What Does Action Look Like?
What does action look like? Well, that depends on the individual and their relationship. Here’s a few thought starters for action:
Discussing 1 thing per person that could be preventative to avoid this problem again
Letting both people discuss where their perceptions may be coming from - this is an important step to not immediately place blame, but figure out where an emotion or trigger is stemming from (past experience, a childhood memory, etc).
Schedule a weekly check-in to discuss the problem(s) or how the week went
Create space to discuss the frequency of this issue. Allow honesty here.
Setting a new boundary (emotional or physical)
Discuss why that particular trigger/conversation was so challenging for you. Explore where in your past that may have come from, or why it’s a hard hurdle for you personally.
Coming up with a long-term plan (including more conversations, preventative measures or ideas on how to resolve the issue)
Setting a date for rediscussion if more time is needed to process the conversations
Planning an outing with friends/family to create some brief separation
Go to the bookstore/library and find a book on the topic(s) that might be troubling you and read it together.
Inform your partner you want to take this issue to a trusted source: a pastor, a mentor or a discipleship group - make sure they agree to this beforehand. It’s important that relationship issues stay private, when possible, to respect both people.
Or, planning a date day/night to refocus the relationship in a positive environment
Apologizing, then spending a few minutes talking about the things you are grateful for in your relationship
Pray about what you talk about and ask God to intervene!
